You don't have to do the Absolute Most™ when preparing for a dick appointment – it's up to you how much you prep. But for an extensive, expert checklist, you have come to the right place.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's begin.
1. Shave, if you want to
How much you shave is up to you. Don't shave at all if you don't want to! However, this is number one on the checklist because it genuinely is the first thing most men do to prep before a dick appointment, so for ease, it's here.
It's also here in case you have a dick appointment in ten minutes and you're reading this suddenly realising you forgot to shave your ass. But again, body hair is personal and what's most important is that you do you.
2. Exfoliate that shit
You might normally shave and moisturise pre-shag, that's pretty standard practice, but exfoliating really takes it the extra mile. Get rid of all that dead skin, it primes your body to be extra silky smooth.
3. Moisturise every crevice
Get your nicest smelling moisturiser – maybe ditch the super heavy duty eczema cream just for today – and lather it all over you. Top tip: Moisturise your butt and tits. You are guaranteed to get a "Wow your skin is so soft" comment if you moisturise these areas.
Also, beware over moisturising. If you use a heavily perfumed moisturiser all over your neck and boobs right before you see the guy then when he kisses or sucks on either of those bits you're gonna taste a bit perfumey or like rubbing alcohol. Also if you're too slippery like a seal you might slip out of his hands like a bar of soap.
4. Stick the tunes on
You might not have a sex playlist – they're not for everyone. Also the type of people who usually have sex playlist are the people who think The Weeknd and Khalid playing non stop for 46 minutes will suffice. They are wrong. Put songs on that make you feel sexy, whatever works for you.
5. Red wine, feeling fine
If you're nervous, have a wee glass of wine or a sexy alcohol (i.e not Sourz or port). But heed this warning: Do not accidentally get drunk before a dick appointment. It does not look good for you.
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6. Pick the underwear (and outerwear)
Each dick appointment is different, like a snowflake. So the underwear you wear should be too, and what goes on top of it as well. Are you doing something else before your dick appointment?
7. Pick some mood lighting
If you don't have your fairy lights on for your dick appointment, what are you doing? If the bonking is happening on your turf, you need to pick the softest, most flattering lighting. If you have any kind of fairy lights, strip lights or lamps, these are what you want.
Boys are stupid so when you shag at theirs you'll probs have to deal with a bright white main light – turn that shit off and do it in the dark, it's sexier. Unless you like to have sex which feels like you're shagging in a cannabis farm, then go off I guess.
8. Eat fruit/fibre
You are what you eat, and some things make you taste better than others. Fruit, including pineapple and mangos, are the way to go. Also staying hydrated is also important. Things that don't make you smell or taste too good are alcohol, cigarettes and any particularly odorous foods i.e curries and strong cheeses.
This is only really going to help you if you munch down a fuck load of mango a good 24 hours before your dick appointment, so if you're short on time – don't bother, just have a shower like you normally would.
9 Douching
Douching
. This involves inserting water into the rectum and anus to clean them, which can help anal sex feel more comfortable.
Although douching does reduce the risk of encountering feces and the bacteria it harbors during sex, it does not reduce the risk of getting a STI
It is also essential to use the correct liquid, such as saline solution, although it is OK to use tap water for douching from time to time. Always use lukewarm water, as hot water can also cause damage